confused

Sometimes I just can't breathe...

Life has a way of sneaking up on me and just covering my nose and mouth and just holding me till I pass out....I just don't know how to react.

Life is a bitch.

This week I've begun to think about what I want to do and where i want to go with my life.

Do I want to stay in Alberta, or go back home and continue my schooling...But every time I go to look at schooling options...i feel like i can't do it, and in my head I say "can I really do this? is this what I want?" and i second guess myself...

But then I remember, that i LOVE music...and want to be home with my kids when I eventually have them.

So can I do this?

Can I really do this at all?

I secretly want to go back to PLBC, and finish my degree, and feel like I achieved something...but then I remember how horrible the people were...and I scratch that from my brain.

What to do...what to do...

break me

This time last year I was all moved on dorms, and preparing my mind, heart and physical self for the year on Dorms.
But tonight everything finally hit me. I am no longer a student at PLBC, everything has changed with my friendships and my relationship (which no longer exsists)...but it's okay i will survive.

Tomorrow I am getting my wisdom teeth out...and I am actually terrified. God has been saying that the removal of 4 teeth that mean nothing, is the beginning of a new life. I am very excited, it will be awesome, but there is a week of pain...but after that pain will be so much joy and love and change.

God break me to be the child you designed!

10

I have always enjoyed the number 10.

it is my baseball number, it's the number you start at when you count down to something, it's the number of commandments, number of pins in Bowling and it's the number of Provinces in the beautiful country of Canada that I call home :)

I can now say that it's has a new reason for me to like that number, My wonderful best friend and boy that i care very deeply about comes home in 10 days :)

My school sends out two tour teams that promote our school, they do skits, and worship and someone preaches, well one goes away for 3 weeks and they go down the west coast down into the United states. The other team, however, tours for 6 weeks and goes across Canada and the United States, and that is the tour that Kevin is on, and they are on the back stretch of the tour, only 10 days left!

He's an amazing guy. I've never met anyone like him before, he's my complete opposite, yet we are so similar...we balance each other out in a big way.

he likes rock music...and i like country

he likes standing out in a crowd...where as I like to blend

he wants to tour around and play music...and I want to be a Work at home mom.

On paper we shouldn't work out...but when we are together, there is nothing that could stop us.

:)....10...9...8...7..6...5...4...3...2...1...Home <3

change

Life changes, and there is nothing you can do about it.

But what we don't realize is that life changes very slowly, but in our own mind, the change is immediate and the main thing we focus on, and we don't stop to notice that this change has been in the making for a very long time.

You see...I cannot just change tomorrow, a change takes a long time to progress.

I want to change my weight...but that will take some dedication, hard work and mental stability...

there are quick changes that we can make...but those changes usually don't last, or don't make a big effect...such as painting your nails a different colour, or changing the way you print your words.

Look for the start of a change...and watch it grow, they are hard to keep up with, but when you notice them...take notes, then give them to the person changing, and show them how they have truly changed...it will make their day :)

Picture this:

You are walking along a bridge, It is a foggy night, you cannot see and it is so quiet that you can't hear a thing. You take a step forward and slip and fall off the bridge, but you catch the edge and you are holding on for dear life, you can't pull yourself up and you think you are going to fall off, you don't know how long the fall is, and you don't know if anyone will hear your cry's.

But all of a sudden you remember in your heart

someone telling you to listen for God's voice and trust that he will catch you. So you listen and listen but you can't hear him...and Satan is pushing you side to side, stepping on your fingers trying to get you to fall and not trust that someone is below you to catch you. You listen and listen and finally you hear a faint voice saying "let go". But you don't know where this voice is, you don't know if it is Satan saying that just to fool you...but then the voice gets louder "let go....Let Go...LEt Go....LET GO!!" finally you have the comfort to let go, and the fall is long and you are scared of not knowing what to do...but God is at the bottom, there to catch you.

Right now, I am holding on to that bridge for dear life...and i can't hear anything, but satan is trying to get me to let go and fall, either that or he's trying to keep me holding on, so i will pull myself up

. and continue and not trust god...

So much crap has been going on, and I don't know where god is, and i can see him and hear him working in everyone else's life....but not mine...it hurts so bad...and I don't know how to move forward without him.

I need to see him and hear him and trust that he is at the bottom...i can't hear from other's that he is there...i need to be told by him to "LET GO" before I can take my fingers off the bridge and do a trust fall into his arms.

here's to new beginnings

I need to blog, or run around or do something with all this excitement...

I don't know why this is making me so excited, maybe it was that a year ago this would have never happened. A year ago I was told me coming to a party would be awkward...and probably not the best idea....but now, I am invited! and ya, i know what you are thinking...wow tayler...a party...good for you...what you don't get invited out much do you?

For your information, i do!...but in this case...this person as you can read from past posts, me and him never really were on the right foot....but in his words "God mends things....and that's amazing"

So yes, i am excited to go to his party...only because A year ago this season....this would have never happened...

Merry Christmas World...and Happy New Years ;)

love

Love is such a complicated subject.

There are many different types of Love....Family Love, God love, Relationship Love, Friendship Love, Pet Love, Plant Love, Job Love...etc..

But I think Relationship Love is so stupidly difficult... :S

well...for me anyways. it sucks.

that is all