I haven't hurt this bad for a whole year...
today, 1 year ago, i was talking to you, you were enjoying your spring break in the states, and were driving home tomorrow afternoon...
We were talking about tie shopping for grad, because you were going to be my date...
we argued about green's and purples...and couldn't decide which to wear.
I ended up saying to you, "arrg, fine, Tuesday we are going to metro town and i will pick one for you!! you better come with me".
after you said okay, i told you to enjoy your trip and i will see you on Monday morning, in Entrepreneurship...
What i didn't know is that day would be one of the worst days of my entire life...
lets just say, instead of shopping in Tuesday....i crawled into bed and cried all day...because he was gone and i was never going to see him again..
R.I.P Harman....I miss you everyday...
October 18 1991 - March 29 2009
Why do we lie?
Because it makes us feel better? give us a better life than we have?
that's why I lie....that is exactly why I lie.
The other day, I told a lie...I just wanted to picture the life i COULD have...
I lied just a little...and my heart felt good....then i added to it and felt glee...then added even more and it got so far....that i was ecstatic...until my mind reminded me that it wasn't real, and i fell...and wanted to cry...over something that isn't there.
So why do we lie, only to realise that nothing will come out of it...you will have momentary happiness, and then, you will plummet to your death, because you realise it is all a lie.
So.....Don't do it...
If we are the Body,
Why are his arms not reaching
why are his hands not healing
why are his words not teaching
If we are the body
why are his feet not going
why is his love not showing them there is a way
there is a way
<3
if we are the body - Casting Crowns
Why cant we live the Country life?
It sounds so much easier than what us city people deal with.
have a drink a day, and not care what you wear because you will just get it dirty in 5 seconds.
and do they care? NOPE.
Live in the open area, nothing but trees, mountains and star lit nights that aren't blocked by stupid city life.
I want that. I want it all.
Ride a horse because i feel like it, instead of fueling up the car and driving to Starbucks.
I want to lay outside in the cold staring at the stars instead of the polluted sky we have in the City.
The only worries they have is that the beer runs out, or the winter is coming.
They play guitar and they know every single neighbor from here to california.
Hoedowns everynight, and having a sick southern drawl.
I want out of this city life. I just want all my worries to go away just by writting them into a song and then walking out the door. I dont want to worry about which boy god has for me, i want to be able to sit on the swings with a boy and worry about the now and not about tomorrow.
I want to know what living in the moment is, i am too focused on the future i dont see what is happening around me.
I wish i was a little bit country, i could take back all the times i screwed myself over by dating the cute guy who told me i was beautiful. Or take back all the hate that came into my life because of my dad.
I could just write a song and it would be a major hit, and i would be able to be okay.
I could just ride off into the sunset and leave all my worries behind.
But no, that cant happen. I need to take 5 steps back before i can take 1 step forward. I have to pass all my thoughts and actions through the people above me and just get shot down. I have to spend spend spend in order to live. And get looked down upon because i like an amazing boy and he doesnt even know these feelings exsist.
Oh the life of a country gal, making out then going home. Wearing jean cut offs and a sick pair of boots.
How i wish that was how life was...but its not.
And that sucks.
Today was a great day.
One of the best....i don't think it could have gotten any better.
First i started my day by praising my lord and savior on his holy day :)
But standing in the congregation singing my heart out for Jesus, I would look up to see these amazing green eyes staring at me with a huge grin.
After we listened to a great sermon about being "new" in Christ...and not having to worry about the old you, because you are new in Christ. I settled a pressing issue that was tearing me and another apart. And that makes me happy because i missed being their friend and being around them all the time.
After that amazing 15 minute talk, I went home and cuddled up on the couch, and not even 5 minutes later, an amazing friend of mine said that we would be heading out on an adventure.
Our adventure lead us to a Swedish Paradise and looked through possible room ideas for marriage. That then led us to Go do something crazy with a man named Paul.
Our dear Paul took good care of us...made me cry and made my friend jaclyn almost break my hand.
But we are okay.
We then watched a movie called "He's just not that into you" and took extensive notes :)
And now i need to sleep because i need my rest for school in the morning where i have a big test.
but i will be fine.
because God is good, and gave me a fantastic day today :)
I indulged in my addiction yesterday.
I was doing so well, i didn't ask anyone for help, or pretend to be someone else to get close.
...Until Yesterday.
It made me feel so good to be able to look on and take part in my addiction.
I looked at photos and comments and wall posts....it made me feel so good.
I had missed being able to be one click away from you...and be able to sign on and there you were..
Now i need to use people to be able to see you're alright or if you are suffering, and that sucks.
I know i need to be dependant on myself and not give in to these urges...but yesterday i couldn't help myself, i needed to know...and i needed to feel alright.
Yesterday, I Facebook creeped someone who blocked me...
...and it felt goooooooooood! :)
I miss the nights that we stayed up and talked.
I miss being able to wake up and you are the first text message i have on my phone.
What happened...all of a sudden, you were there always....and now you are gone....
and that hurts.
